You ain’t no Ramsay

August 31, 2015 in Miscellaneous Oneshots/Multishots, Nelly by nelly

prompt from @addictedtotae from twitter!

The fourth time this month. THE FOURTH TIME. Tiffany glared out the expediting window at the woman at the table by the window alone. Every Friday this month, this woman had come in, ordered the chef’s special (HER SPECIAL) and eaten every bite of it. And then proceeded to write a scalding review of it on her highly popular food blog. HER. Tiffany Hwang, Michelin Star chef at the age of 25. And she always ended every review with “Chef Hwang likes to think she’s the new big deal, the up and coming culinary star of Seoul. But try as she might, she isn’t Gordon Ramsay.”

“Why does she keep coming back if she hates it so much? Isn’t that what insane people do? Keep doing something they hate and expecting it to be different? She’s insane!” Tiffany threw her hands up in frustration. “She’s insane! I give up! I’m done trying to figure it out. If she hates it so much, she can say it to my face.” She wiped her hands off on the towel on her shoulder and stormed out of the kitchen, the double doors swinging open together like in an old Western movie.

She stomped up to the critic’s table. The woman didn’t so much as look up. Tiffany cleared her throat. The woman took a sip of water.

“You seem to have a big problem with my food.”

The woman finally deigned to lift her head up and lock eyes with Tiffany. She smiled sweetly, as if she hadn’t even noticed Tiffany standing there. “That’s not it at all.”

Tiffany was quickly losing her patience. “Then, ma’am, would you care to explain why you seem to be so affronted by every meal I’ve cooked for you?”

The woman stood, the same sweet smile still on her face. “What makes you think I’ve been affronted by your food?”

For a second Tiffany actually wondered if this woman was certifiably, honestly, truly, insane. She wondered what the appropriate response for insanity should be in this situation. Maybe she should call the hospital. Maybe she should call the cops. She wondered how a crazy person could run such a successful food blog. “You keep saying rude things about my food on your blog. You could at least explain to me to my face why you hate my food so much.”

“I don’t hate your food. All I’m saying is you ain’t no Ramsay.”

Tiffany brought her hands up in silent confusion. She was talking to an insane person. She should not be talking to an insane person. She turned around to head back to the kitchen, so she wouldn’t have to keep talking to an insane person. But the woman grabbed her by the wrist and spun her back around.

“You ain’t no Ramsay. At the very least, you have better hair.”

Y’know. Sometimes you just start writing and realize that continuity is not what you’re about tonight.