Spaces Inside

May 13, 2013 in Ajitofu, one-shots by Wasabi Warrior

PG-13. May make you feel uncomfortable.

When Sunny realizes what the girl across her has just said, when she understands what it means and what could happen, her instincts kick in and she staggers backward, frozen in fear. Seconds pass. Her eyes jerk open and she forces a smile. But it is too late. She places her palm atop her chest and feels it for herself.

The hole in her chest has grew once more, and there is nothing she can do.

She turns around and stays in place for a good while before breaking into a run. She weaves through people, sometimes failing, grazing the others, and stumbling. From the distance, Sunny hears her voice being called out, a cry of confusion ringing in the air. She doesn’t look back. There is nothing there–not comfort, not answers.

Eventually, she finds her way into an alley. The million steps of the morning crowd and the voices littering the streets echo in her head. She covers with her hands, wishing it will stop, but it doesn’t–and she doesn’t. There is a wall up ahead and Sunny opens her eyes to get a good look at it, to make sure it is really there.

She breathes in one final time before bracing for impact. She closes her eyes shut and crouches low. With the force of the momentum, of her weight, and her feelings all mounted upon her, she rushes headfirst into the brick wall.

Sunny bites her lip, nicks it, makes sure it bleeds. The metallic taste of blood spreads across her tongue and it reminds her that she is still alive. She tries to smile, but it turns into a bawl. Tears stream endlessly down her cheeks and into her mouth. The saltiness mixes in with the blood, but she doesn’t care. She swallows it all. Brushing her hair back and feeling the dabs of blood with the tips of her fingers, Sunny’s breathing becomes constant shuddering.

At the last second, she moved her arms and protected her head, hesitated for a moment right before she crashed. She has failed again, failed to end her life for the better.

When the shuddering becomes choking, Sunny places her hand on her heart and clenches tightly–only there is nothing to clench. The gaping black nothingness that started in the middle of her chest has reached her heart, reached her being. She can feel the emptiness eating at her, slowly chipping away at the pieces she holds dear, the memories she clings on to.

If there was any hope of salvation, that was gone now. She had been failed by the people she loved–and that was what hurt most. She wishes she is wrong, that there is a chance for her happiness somewhere out there. But there is no truth to that just as there is no truth in honesty. She is scared of leaving home, of leaving Earth, but she fears disappointment and pain much, much more.

Sunny wipes the remaining blood on her cheeks and she stares at its crimson for the longest time. It was painful when she was lied to, was painful when she crashed, but as soon as the darkness spread, it faded along with her fragments. She looks at the sky. It is darker now than it has ever been.

Following what she has always told, Sunny puts on a smile, fakes it yet again. Maybe she can deceive herself too. It doesn’t work, but Sunny keeps the smile on anyway, hopes the dried blood doesn’t make it look cheap. A strand of blonde cascades down to her palm, but she sees it brown, and she remembers the times when things were real and lies were a distant thought.

She gulps, taking in the tears that has continued to trickle down her face. She curls her hands and leans her head against the wall. She would rather meet her end through self-inflected than anything else. It is less painful, less disappointing, less torturous than whatever everyone else has in store for her.

With a sigh of relief, Sunny slams her head against the brick wall, painting red with red and cleaning its human stains. It stings and it throbs, but it only lasts a while until the hole in her chest expands and her senses fade.

The sky turns from darker to darkest–or back to the start–and Sunny smiles. This time it is real and the tears welcome it.