April 13, 2013 in lau0601, what should be by lau0601

Faster, faster, faster, it was all going so fast. A day blew past, then a week, a month, and suddenly here she was, a year later. People always asked Yuri how she managed to be so composed, so on top of things – and she’d laugh. Me, in control?

Quite the contrary. Oh, quite the contrary. Yuri felt surprised that she was the only one who knew how confused she was inside. How did she deal with things? She remembered reading somewhere – was it Star Wars? – where a character let all his worries flood into his mind at once and then pushed them all away. And that was how Yuri dealt with problems.

But sometimes that didn’t work. Not with people. She had tried once, when she had been arguing with Taeyeon, to just push it all away. And she wasn’t going to go through that again, two months of bitterness were quite enough, thank you. 

The very same with Tiffany. Or maybe, it was worse. Yuri knew she really couldn’t just push it all away because Tiffany had feelings, too. She couldn’t blame it all on her busy schedule, or at the fact that time was going so fast it had caught up and then overtaken them.

She knew she had to face it head on. She couldn’t keep pushing Tiffany away, couldn’t constantly hold her at arms-length while trying not to think about it. She was accountable for the hurt she saw in Tiffany’s eyes, the tears that she pretended not to see when Tiffany turned away. She was responsible for it. 

Responsible in a different way. Not the way she took charge of projects, not the way she had to pay her bills, not the way she had to be with her little cousins. No, this time she was responsible.

Letting a day go by was probably okay, and even a week might’ve been forgivable. But an entire year? No, she was responsible for her own words, for taking care of her own words and Tiffany’s words. If Tiffany had given it all to her, then Yuri was in charge. It was her responsibility.

“Please?” That sadness, in those eyes, that she was responsible for. “Are you ready? Are you ready now?”

Her responsibility. Hers and hers alone.