or was it just human (do not read on mobile)

April 8, 2014 in drabblerbabbler, superricelol by superRiCElol

she wanted to love. she wanted to love because she wanted, needed to know what there was to life than just that – that being the little big things she thought about. she wanted to know was it happiness or was it just the little thing her heart just happened to coincidentally do when she saw that person she thought was special down the hall. she wanted to know was it excitement or was it just her muscles and nerves acting up because she hit the funny nerves randomly while walking past that person she thought was special even though it wasn’t possible to hit the funny nerves while just walking. she wanted to know was it sadness or was it just that she didn’t eat enough that day and her tummy decided that dropping into her gut was its way of telling her that it was hungry. she wanted to know was it depression or was it just the dread of the day because it was monday and no one liked mondays even though the thoughts and nag nag nag stuck to the back of her brain like a parasite – but they said she was exaggerating so she left it at that even though her tummy always told her it was hungry and she no longer randomly hit the funny nerves or had those coincidental little heart things.

she wanted to know because sometimes it wasn’t just coincidences that her heart did the little thing and she only got the funny nerves only when she saw that special person. sometimes it wasn’t just sadness when she never saw that special person and she was pretty sure that the nagging nagging you’re useless why can’t you just talk to people or do anything right wasn’t just a bit of exaggerating. she wanted to know was it this special person’s effect or was it just that she was indeed exaggerating – that all the little often coincidences were just that and her sadness and depression didn’t even exist. she wanted to know because if it was true, then she wouldn’t have to ask anymore – ask being in her head as her eyes always seemed to be drawn to that special person even as the little nagging sticky notes on the back of her brain seemed to only multiply with her shortcomings while the notes on the front of her brain unfailingly wrote down everything she liked about this special person – the only thing that seemed to be succeeding, for one.

she wanted to know because she wanted to love, and if she could love then maybe maybe maybe she would be able to show this special person that yes they could go to the movies and pay half attention to the movie and pay the other half to finding the best way to hold hands. maybe if they didn’t want to go to the movies because yeah the movies are clichéd and they didn’t really want to watch anything showing then they could find somewhere fun to play, like ice skating or bowling or walking around wherever they wanted. and if that still wasn’t appealing then maybe they could just do nothing but talk while eating snacks on the couches and do nothing but things like hello I like the colour pink what about you – oh blue is a nice colour and so is purple okay this colour thing could compromise nicely. and if none of those sounded nice then she wanted to know just what did and was it that she didn’t know how to love someone or was it just that maybe her special person could teach her what it was to love someone.

she wanted to know so much that her thoughts of love love love had escaped her and the sticky notes all fell into the special person’s hand – and when she realized it her shame was so acute that the nagging nagging thoughts came back even without the sticky note reminders that she didn’t want to know anymore so much as get away and hope her special person thought the notes boring enough to throw away. so she promptly turned and hurried off even though her special person tried to keep her there with a gentle and warm and quiet smile, dimple and all with eyes that never failed to find hers.

what she didn’t know was that the special person kept the notes and stuck them on the back of her heart, and that she wanted to know what it was about love that they could learn together. was it that she saw some similarities between the notes on her heart and the notes at the back of her own brain – even though similarities will never be complete because notes are notes and not the full work of art – and felt the same happiness, the same excitement, and wanted to know just as much because she wanted to love as well, or was it just human?

neither of them knew, but they both wanted to love, so they loved each other.

————————————————————

the supposed fact and the source of inspiration: “the urge to fall in love is a biological drive – like hunger.”