A Thousand Little Vases: What I Won’t Let You Hear Me Say

March 2, 2016 in A Thousand Little Vases, moonrise31 by moonrise31

A metaphor I once heard: When a vase shatters, it doesn’t break into a thousand little vases.

In other words: Something that has been torn apart can never be returned to its original form.

But consider: This something, pieced together with tireless effort and unending care, can still become something beautiful.

What I Won’t Let You Hear Me Say

Hey, let’s meet up!

It was such a normal statement to make, Sooyoung almost tricked herself for a second. Almost tricked herself into thinking that this was just a normal hangout between her and Jessica while they were making normal trips to the United States and that they were still the normal Girls’ Generation.


She replied normally anyway.

Yeah sure. But I’m making you pick the place and time 🙂

Her phone buzzed only a few seconds later, which she hadn’t expected since it was afternoon for her now; for Jessica, it must be very early morning.

You suck

After reading Jessica’s perfectly normal reply, Sooyoung had to set her phone down.

They’d found (well, Jessica had) a small restaurant tucked in a cozy corner of a city that didn’t turn many heads whenever two fashionably dressed women walked by speaking a language other than English. Sooyoung liked the anonymity — it was getting harder and harder to come by these days. But here, she could almost forget that 2007 had been nine long years ago.

“So, I haven’t seen you in a while,” Jessica said after their orders had been taken. “How’ve you been?”

“Good.” Sooyoung smiled. She couldn’t just speak for herself. “We’ve been good.”

Jessica talked about her business, about getting back into singing, about how she’d thought Krystal would’ve gotten a little less annoying with every coming year. Sooyoung mentioned comeback plans, solo albums, and how they probably needed to hold an intervention for Yuri’s propensity to post pictures of puppies on Instagram. They could usually talk for hours, and now, as the clock ticked closer to the restaurant’s closing time, Sooyoung wished for time to stop. To just hold this moment close, keep it safe and shield it from a harsher reality that it had no part in.

To reach out and press her palms gently to Jessica’s ears, to hug her tight and keep her here, too. And whisper that yes, they were good, and Jessica was good, but that simply wasn’t good enough.

She wished that they could close their eyes and blow out a candle and be whisked to another time and place that was this restaurant. Where Tiffany might come bursting through the door, flashing the waiter a charming smile that would make him let them stay a few hours longer. Yoona would slide into the seat next to Jessica, squishing the older woman against the window to make room for Hyoyeon on the other end. Maknae would look at the remnants of what they had ordered and at least commend them for not ordering fast food as Sunny would shout from the bar that she’d learned how to mix a new cocktail and they were all going to try it, yes even you, Kim Taeyeon. And Yuri would have already commandeered the sound system, because sure, classical and jazz have their days, but tonight is not one of them.

Instead, Sooyoung and Jessica finally walked into the chilled night air, calling separate taxis to go their separate ways.

“Hey,” Jessica said, wrapping an arm around Sooyoung’s waist, arm warm and present. “It was nice to see you again.”

Sooyoung glanced over, meeting Jessica’s gaze. And in her eyes, dark in a way that was brighter than the night draping around their shoulders, Sooyoung saw a glimmer of something akin to stadium lights: the ones so bright that for a moment, all that can be seen is the white above and the stage below and the toes of your other eight members circling around to begin the song that had started it all.

“Of course,” Sooyoung scoffed, flipping her hair over one shoulder in an exaggerated fashion. “My very being is a gift in itself.” She squeezed Jessica’s arm once. “See you later.”

Jessica nodded, her smile perhaps speaking, Sooyoung dared to hope, of unbroken promises.